Re-run of life

They say the people who die happy are the ones who, when the realisation death is imminent hits them, do not think, 'Oh no! Not now! But I haven't done this yet! I wish I'd done things differently! I'll never get chance to do this! Oh bugger!

They also say your life flashes before your eyes; all your experiences pan past so you can, for the last time, decide if you made the most of it, did it right, enjoyed it, are satisfied with what you did with it.

I have discovered recently that there is a way to live several lives simultaneously; the you now and the you then. Just have children....and then grandchildren.

When I first walked into Lottie's new school to meet the secretary and teacher, I felt like I had been sent back in time and had arrived back in my infants school. The chairs were small and low down, the coat hooks were attached to the walls low down and framed hand painted pictures hung at shoulder height. I pictured myself, back in my first school, and it all came back to me. I can't remember the last time I thought of the things this and subsequent moments reminded me of.

Looking at the sports equipment lent against the walls made me think of singing 'The Hockey Cockey' in a big circle with an L on my left plimsolls and an R on my right. Being asked to take in a cushion for Lottie in case she wanted to have a nap reminded me of story time on a big, old rug and often nodding off. The underwater sounds of children screaming, laughing and shouting reminded me of the school yard, hopscotch and skipping ropes.

Seeing Lottie in the communal toilet of her classroom alongside little boys, and seeing her curiosity, reminded me of the day I brazenly made a deal with a fellow male pupil, went round the back when no-one was looking, dropped my pants, lifted up my skirt and had a good look at what was presented for me in return.

I thought to myself as I stood looking at Lottie through the closed glass door that she has it all to come. History repeats itself all the time and, if you have children and are involved with them, you realise this more.

“What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?” Freidrich Nietzsche.

When you have a child, and get involved in its life, you don't have much choice; you re-live your life, to an extent, thanks to being taken back in time. When I walked Lottie up to her school for the first time, I was definitely more excited than her.